On Being 40

I have 40 years old. And before you say, “It’s ‘I’m 40 years old,’” hear me out.

In Spanish we say, “Tengo 40 años.” We use the verb “to have” to say our age. This is a common mistake among my students when trying to learn Spanish — and it was a common mistake I made over and over during my first years in the United States. The fact is that “to have” versus “to be” makes you aware that you are not your age.

I have 40 years of life — at least for the last nine days — and no one can take those years away from me. My family and friends happily celebrated by my side, even if I cried a few times when they were singing the mañanitas in front of my birthday cake. Why is she crying? Some asked, murmuring as the candles flickered near my tears.

I had been dreading to turn 40. Ten years ago, I was so excited about being 30 — that was the decade that everything was supposed to happen for me. I organized a ten-day celebration in 2013 — it was magical. This time, besides having lunch with my family in Mexico, I barely organized a dinner with close friends. I decorated coyotas on my way to the restaurant and asked my early bird friends to help me decorate the place with “I’m 40 and fabulous” banners and selfie signs.

I finished the weekend by watching Ugly Betty (maybe because Barbie reminded me how cool America Ferrera is). The series ends when she heads to London to run her own magazine. She is a writer in London. That has been my dream for so long. I was a writer in Paris for a summer in 2011, spending my afternoons writing in the wrong Amelie café. I spent the summer in London in 2014 when I studied at the London School of Economics. That’s cool, right? Then, why am I complaining about being 40?

I guess it’s because Betty is in her twenties when she achieves more than I have in the last four years. Life runs faster after 30. I have learned not to compare myself with TV show characters, but Betty inspired me to think about my twenty-year-old self again. I came to the United States when I was 24, with no glasses and a braceless smile (I had braces for ten years). Three years after that, I became a portfolio manager. I was like Betty — working endlessly to move up the ladder — and we both did.

Betty reminded me of the things I have done after 30. I quit my job. I went back to college. I created my own business. Sold my business. Moved across the country. Finished a second master’s degree. Published several short stories and essays. Became the profe I wanted to become. Won several writing fellowships.

Why do I still dread being 40?

The reality is that I still feel I’m 25. And being 40 reminds me that I’m in the middle of my life. Mortality scares me. My mom had me when she was 40, and that comparison scares me too. She already had six children at this age. I have none.

Now, I get those men who buy motorcycles at this age or why women divorce their families to travel and live an Eat, Pray Love life. I get it.

I feel life is slipping away.

I wish this piece of writing were about giving some advice to you about being 40, but as you can tell, I have no idea. I’m in no place to give advice, so I won’t. Instead, I’m going to share what others have shared.

On Twitter, friends and strangers chimed in:

• Be true to yourself.
• Get good tennis shoes.
• Find something every day to be grateful for and enjoy every moment.
• Millions of people died last year. Any one of those people would have traded places with you. Wear your age proudly. Own it.
• Creo que he aprendido a disfrutar más, a no enojarme por tanto, a preocuparme sólo por lo que vale la pena y a intentar cosas nuevas! Verás que te encantará. I think I’ve learned to enjoy more, not to get angry so much, to worry only about what’s worth it and to try new things! You will see that you will love it.
• Your 40s will be wonderful. (I loved that decade.)
• Growing older means prioritizing the value, not volume, of life experiences — and investing in a good skin moisturizing regimen for yourself.

On Instagram, friends chimed in:

• Your cuarentona years are where you find freedom and liberation you didn’t know you needed.
• Look at yourself in the mirror from afar. “Mirate en el espejo de lejitos.”
• Enjoy life, see it without so much stress, enjoy your loved ones as much as you can. “Disfrutar la vida, verla sin tanto stress, disfrutar a tus seres queridos lo más que puedas.”
• Be freer than ever from everything. “Sé más libre que nunca, de todo.”
• It is only a number.
• Enjoy your life, there are really no changes, just wanting to do more new things. “Disfruta tu vida, en realidad no hay cambios solo querer hacer más cosas nuevas.”

On WhatsApp, forty-something friends still feel like 20, and they shared:

1. Try always to enjoy happiness––they are just moments.

2. May arrogance never win, and always be prepared to learn new things.

3. The quality of your time: try to spend it well.

4. Take care of yourself.

5. Travel is the best investment.

I was probably waiting for a special wisdom formula to have for turning 40. I thought maybe there was a manual somewhere on how to be 40 — but there isn’t. The advice on being 40 is the same for every age of your life.

My biggest regret is thinking that by 40, I would have everything I wanted — Kids, books, house, 100 pounds less, achieve my full potential — but I was wrong.

It is a privilege to be 40 — to have 40 years — even if I still don’t like when people call me señora or ma’am. I don’t know what’s going to happen in this decade. I might go back to school again––keep my brain working.

What I know is that I look forward to the day I no longer think about how old I am — or how many years I have lived or how many I have left — –and just keep living my fullest life, as I’ve been trying to do for the last 40 years.

Enjoy life, my dear reader, at any age. I’ll fight to do the same.

Best,

Ofe